We all want the best for our children, but when is it right to let them go and make their own decisions? One expert suggests balance is the name of the game
By Sue Laidlaw
Valentine’s Day is nearly upon us. For some, it is a time to go all out with hearts, roses and romantic gestures, whilst for others, it is all rather irritating and to be ignored at all costs. Whatever your opinion of the frolics of 14 February and all that accompanies it, it is well worth a few moments of reflection on how we show our love to all our nearest and dearest and, specifically, the unconditional love that we have for our children.
For virtually every parent, the love of our children knows no bounds and we would literally do anything for them. We have come a long way from life in the Victorian era where children were most definitely seen but not heard. In fact, the reverse often seems to be true. In recent years, it does appear that, quite often, the unconditional love that parents have for their offspring now equals saying yes to them most of the time and always allowing them to lead on decisions.
I am a believer in involving children in decisions, where appropriate to their age and depending on the matter in hand. As our children grow, mature and develop, it is important to gradually build integrated decision-making with them, always guiding and supporting. However, I am also a believer in the fact that caring parents are the adults, definitely older and – hopefully – wiser parties in the relationship and that it is perfectly permissible and, indeed, advisable for parents to make decisions for the benefit of their children. You do not always have to be your child’s best friend!
“We have come a long way from when children were seen, but not heard”
There will be some decisions that you make for them because you care about them and because you can see a bigger, wider picture than they can, which they may not like at the time but will appreciate at a later date. Gentle, clear reassurance may be required for them so that they understand that you, on this occasion, know what is best. They can be reassured that this decision is made because you love and care for them. Children feel secure when they have parameters and know that they don’t have to have the burden of too much decision-making and responsibilities that will come with the journey towards adulthood.
Modern childhood is a wonderful thing, but it can also come with more anxiety and insecurity than ever before, particularly as your child moves into the teenage years. Regularity, consistency, and perceptive, kind, loving and confident (even if you don’t feel that way) parenting will go a long way in helping to build confident resilient children.